I put my crazy dream out to the Universe (to be able to make enough money as a nurse and artist for Nate to quit his day job & pursue his passion of cows, horses & hay) and sat back, excited. Now how was I going to make this happen? I started researching ways to make money through art, how to use social media to expand your audience, the need for special Pinterest apps to market your online presence…and stopped trusting the one who already had everything planned out.
Yesterday I had a moment of realization while spending over an hour trying to piece together a video showing how I created the watercolor scripture from yesterday. It was slowly coming together, but the watercolor piece definitely wasn’t my best work, and I wasn’t sure about this whole online tutorial thing. This wasn’t my best work, and my spirit definitely wasn’t feeling it. But how else was I going to make money if I didn’t do all this to get people’s attention?
Then I heard a tiny tug at my heart and a sudden realization dawned on me. I was trying to force my dream to happen in a way that didn’t feel right. Because it wasn’t right.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight…” Proverbs 3:5-12 (NIV)
My dream to have Nate be able to work from home is my dream, and I would love to see it happen, but it’s just that. It’s MY dream. It might not be what God has in mind for me, for us. I don’t know yet. I do know I was wandering away from my passion to be closest to him by focusing on material things instead of creating art the way he meant me to…
For he created me in Jesus to do good works, *which God prepared beforehand* for me to do (my paraphrase of Ephesians 2:10). Wow. How liberating. I don’t need to worry about my Instagram follower count or Google analytics! I don’t need to stress or think about how I am going to MAKE this happen. I just need to let him guide my steps, even if I don’t know where we’re going. *He already has this planned out before I was even born, and all I need to do is trust him!*
This just reminded me of Logan. He doesn’t ask me or Nate where we are going when we take his hand. He just looks up at us, smiles, and walks with us, trusting us to lead him to something good. How reassuring that I have someone as powerful and loving as God, who wants to hold my hand and take me somewhere good.
And this ‘mixedmediabyjenni’? My real, true, most inspired art work is not by me. I might have physically created it, but truly, I’m just an extension of the paintbrush. It’s mixed media by him, through me.
I had forgotten going to church and listening to a sermon on how God wants brokenness. I had always thought you had to be at rock bottom, your life in shambles, to be broken, and after listening to Pastor Lee, I realized this isn’t true. He doesn’t want us to have to be in despair before we submit to him, he just wants us to break our ego, our material goals, and trust in his plan that is infinitely better than anything I could ever come up with. What is it? I don’t know. But I trust him, so I will keep listening to his whispers, one step at a time.
I had prayed to be broken, and in my human nature, quickly forgotten my prayer. But God doesn’t forget, and he answers prayers according to his will. So here I am, once again, my broken dreams placed at his feet, my heart open and my sprit ready.