For He so loved the world…

What would it take for me to willingly sacrifice my beloved son?

There are several people I would lay my life down for, but to give up my sweet children’s lives? Never…

This thought played through my mind, over and over, as I listened to the worship music and Easter sermon.

That’s exactly what God did…sacrificed his beloved son to give me a way back to him. He gave up his own son for me. This is mind blowing to think about, but then to realize he did this, knowing ahead of time that I would not only mess up over and over, but that I would turn away from him completely….why would God love me that much? Am I really worth that much to him?

How amazing…but how can I be so sure there is a God? And why do I believe this version of God, (with Jesus)?

I wasn’t really raised going to church. My parents believe in God and try to be good people, but we never prayed before eating, etc. I remember being embarrassed when I ate at my friend, Cori’s house, for the first time. The dinner looked delicious and as I took a bite, her dad gently led us in prayer. I was a little mortified, but I remember chewing my food and thinking, “Well, God, I’m grateful for this food and I know already how good it is…”

God definitely had his sights on me, even as a young girl. The faith of a child is one of the purest things on Earth and I had no doubt he was there. He placed people in my life to guide my way–my godmother: Norma; the best friend I desperately prayed for: Cori & her beautiful family, my Uncle Mark & Aunt Brenda, just to name a few. My spirit knew there was something beyond our temporary world and I grew closer to God through them.

But as I got older I couldn’t wrap my scientific brain around the plausibility of certain things when it comes to God and Jesus and the Bible. The logical part of me wanted concrete evidence, absolute proof that there is a God and the Bible is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. There’s a great book called The Case for Christ that is worth reading if you can identify with these thoughts…it’s written by a lawyer who set out to debunk the Bible and ended up becoming one of its biggest supporters.

Eventually I turned away from God. It wasn’t a sudden decision. It was missing church once, then here and there, then drifting away from my church family after separating from my ex, leaving my Bible untouched for weeks at a time, days passing by without a single thought of God. I seemed to be doing just fine on my own, without him. Until 13 years later, I wasn’t fine…slowly drinking myself into oblivion to fill the gnawing emptiness while desperate thoughts of being better off dead wrapped around me like a straitjacket (link goes to my first blog post, explaining this a little more…).

Yet he came through for me again through my art and a chance encounter with a friend from church long ago. He was right there, waiting patiently for me to realize how much I truly needed him.

I know how I feel with him in my life and now I also know how I feel without him. Concrete proof doesn’t matter to me anymore.

All I know is I am empty without him, and that’s proof enough for me.

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