I was struggling last night. Nothing had happened, nothing was wrong, I just felt so…blah. These are my true moments of weakness, when my mood is low and I have no energy and I just want to make the clouds go away. Before I would have reached for a glass of wine or six. Instead I just curled up on the couch and fell asleep early, cuddling Dillon as he watched a movie.
I woke up and after getting the boys settled and helping Nate with laundry, went downstairs this morning knowing something was weighing on me, but not quite able to put my finger on it. I ended up in my first foray into Bible journaling. This is my older Bible that I dropped in the bath while I was trying to read and soak (this Bible is much too heavy for me to try to hold up in the bath!) so I didn’t have as much of an issue marking it up.
After picking out the colors I wanted to use, I pulled out some stamps and stickers that spoke to me. One Tim Holtz sticker really caught my attention: “do more than exist”. By numbing my uncomfortable feelings and falling back into that vicious cycle, was I really doing much more than just existing?
The verse that has been popping up for me a lot lately is Romans 6:6, “For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should not longer be slaves to sin…” I know I have to shed my old way of living, no longer giving in to my old temptations, because I’m not a slave to them anymore. I’m not a slave to wine, and I won’t live a life of just existing.
I had Todd Agnew’s song in my head as I worked, “Grace like Rain” and copied some of the lines on one edge. I liked that imagery–grace falling like rain–so I used the teal foil/confetti to appear like rain.
Driving home this afternoon, I recalled something I’d once heard…life isn’t fair, and you will feel discomfort. I’ve become so accustomed to doing anything and everything I could to get rid of uncomfortable thoughts and emotions by anesthetizing myself when maybe I needed to just accept this is the way I’m feeling and maybe there’s a reason I’m feeling like this.
As I finished up on the pages, I felt lighter, more buoyant.