Uncertainty & Worry

God knows how much I like to know ‘the plan’–uncertainty scares me and leaves me feeling vulnerable. Yet He is the one thing that will never change. I need to not lean on my own understanding and turn to Him. My devotional led me to Revelation 22:8-9 in my Bible. I love the notes that explain the verses.

It seems perfect timing–a little backstory–It’s 5:30 AM, Logan and Nate are still sleeping, Dillon is lying on the bed, getting over a head cold and watching his iPad, and we’re in our new ‘art room’ downstairs. The $20 desk we found on Facebook is perfect for him to sit next to me and create his art too. It’s turned in a space to keep my art & crafts without them taking over the house, and a space we can retreat to and not worry about having to be too quiet like we did upstairs. Nate takes one look at the ‘clutter’ and shakes his head, but I see organized chaos, a happy place, my heaven on earth.

This morning is the first time I’ve come down here to do my devotional, instead of sitting upstairs on the couch. It only seems fitting, perfect timing, that I would find this footnote in my Bible for Revelation 22:8,9:

“The first of the Ten Commandments is “You shall have no other gods before me”. Jesus said that the greatest command of Moses’ laws was “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind”. Here at the end of the Bible, this truth is reiterated. The angel instructs John to worship God, and worship is a major emphasis in Revelation. The first step toward meaningful worship is a desire to know God. If we thirst for him, the Bible promises that he will provide for us and satisfy our needs. Would you like your worship to be completely transformed? Confess any sins that might be hindering your fellowship with God. Then ask God to stir your heart, to instill within you and unquenchable thirst to know him. Meditate upon how God has revealed himself in the Bible, and ask him to reveal himself to you again. When you see God in a new way, worship will be your only fitting response.”

It seems like there are times when I can hear Him whispering clearly, and other times He feels so painfully distant I can’t hardly try to call out.

But this footnote gives me black and white instructions on how to approach Him as I do my daily devotions:

1) He promises that if I thirst for Him, He will provide for me and give me what I need. It might not be what I had in mind, but He has never broken a promise and I can only see a pixel of the great billboard He has planned.

2) Confess anything that might keep me from hearing God and ask for forgiveness. I can always tell if it’s sin because it makes me uncomfortable thinking about it–like this morning I know I’ve been letting my pride and ego get in the way of putting together this Skillshare class, looking to Instagram for approval. I need to be humble, and trust everything will work out the way it should. Like my mom said, if people like it, they will find a way to get it without me beating down their door.

3) Ask God to stir my heart, to instill an unquenchable thirst to know Him. It’s so easy to look to other things to try to fill that “God hole” in my heart but nothing can, at least for very long. This has been a painful, eye-opening, breath-taking experience turning away from alcohol, seeing an art therapist, confessing to my family, friends, co-workers, feeling the highs and lows without self-medicating. The lows are painful and uncomfortable, but they make the highs so much sweeter. And when I’m feeling that itch to get away from it all, to self-medicate, to do something when I’m feeling down, I’m realizing it’s God calling me, telling me it’s time to get away for a little bit and recharge.

4) Meditate on how He has revealed Himself in the Bible, and ask Him to reveal Himself to me again. This one is a little harder for me to decipher. I guess what comes to mind is reading a Bible verse about God taking care of birds who don’t worry about anything and promising to take even better care of me–then seeing sparrows, swallows, hawks and robins throughout the day and feeling reassured by His promise. The gentle tugs, the little things that catch my eye when I think I should be reading something else, those are the things I’m realizing I need to pay attention to…those are the moments when I find Him the closest.

5) “When you see Me in a new way, worship will be your only fitting response…”

As I finished up this post I refilled my coffee and let Teddy out. As I waited for him I looked at the horizon. I loved the way the clouds are wispy so I snapped a picture just as two birds flew in the frame. God is good…

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