Beautiful, Messy Life

Last weekend was a busy one with the Kid’s Fishing Day Saturday morning, our neighbor/Dillon’s classmate’s Colton’s birthday party at the Children’s Museum Saturday afternoon, church Saturday evening, and then a start of summer BBQ at Dillon’s school. I knew Dillon was tired but I didn’t want to not go to the small BBQ and be rude.

This weekend was more challenging than most for me. Usually Nate is able to go with us as we do things around town. It’s amazing how having another person makes it 10x easier. But it was his weekend on call and ironically, just as we were getting ready to go do something, he inevitably would get called in. He was called 5 times this weekend, working over 16 hours in 2 days after having worked all week long.

We went to the Kid’s Fishing Day at Wadsworth and met up with a classmate and friend of Dillon’s, Amaris & her family. Sweet Amaris is so good with Dillon and Logan and is the sweetest little mother hen. My dad is involved with Walleyes Unlimited so was helping out with the Fishing Day. With Grandpa’s coaching, Dillon is getting pretty good at casting!

Grandpa Scott teaching Dillon how to cast

Afterwards we loaded up and headed to Target to get Colton’s birthday present, and then headed over to the Children’s Museum.

A science experiment about mixing colors…

Dillon needed to know what was going to happen, who was going to be there, what were we going to do after…as he peppered me with questions from the backseat, I tried to explain to him it didn’t matter who was there, we would have fun even if we were the only ones! He reminded me of ME when I was younger…having to know every detail, trying to mentally prepare himself for what was going to happen. I’m not sure why we do this, instead of being in the moment and taking it as it comes. Instead we let our worry rob us of the joy of living in the moment.

We went to the BBQ and I enjoyed myself. Nate got called in once again, so I was on my own with the boys again. It was at the school, and Dillon’s classmates’ families were amazing and so helpful, taking Logan for a bit so I could eat. We managed to get them fed, and then they went outside to play. It was hot and dry–perfect for water balloons.

The time flew by and before I knew it it was time to get home. I told Dillon to pick up the busted balloon pieces like his classmates, and he realized his good time was coming to an end and lost it. Full meltdown. I knew he was tired, but this was way out of proportion. Then he started to talk so negatively about himself…His angry tirade continued as I loaded him and Logan up in my Jeep and headed home. “I hate myself!”…”No one likes me!” “I wish I was dead!” I glanced at him in the rear view mirror, trying to figure out where on Earth this was coming from. We made it home and I put a tired Logan to bed, then sat with Dillon and talked. I didn’t know what to tell him, so I just told him that those thoughts were from the devil, who hates us and God and wants to make God sad by taking us away from Him. By letting ourselves believe these negative thoughts, we are letting the devil win. I could see this slowly sink in.

Dillon and I talked, and I told him the iPad and PS4 needed to be put away. I don’t know if he’s watching something that might be triggering these ideas, but it’s summer anyway and there are better things to be doing than screen time. We cuddle until he’s calm, and Nate came home.

We talk, venting our frustrations about the 17 hours he spent working this weekend instead of being there with us, about Dillon’s meltdown, the upcoming week. He’s exhausted, and so am I, but dinner, laundry, and little boys don’t take care of themselves. We get the boys fed, bathed, and put to bed. We fold one last load of laundry and mutually agree we’re done for the evening. I am overwhelmed, and I don’t try to hide my anxiety. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a hot mess most of the time, which isn’t far from the truth. But I’ve got an amazing husband and Jesus, and together we continue to raise up our boys and build our dreams.

I tried to unwind with my art, but I just felt…stuck. Like something was plugged up. So I did some yoga to try to loosen up my stiff back, then went upstairs. As I passed through the kitchen I noticed the lightning storm, and couldn’t help being mesmerized by it. As I watched the lightning flash, I was finally still enough to let my mind work through everything I was feeling. I went back downstairs.

So I’m sitting here in the dark, the lightning settling down, listening to worship music. I set it to random and the first song was King of My Heart, a song I feel speaks to my soul. I feel like I’m in this plateau, this middle place, like I’m stagnating and I know exactly why. I am still not giving up my need for anesthetizing myself, I’m not trusting God’s plan for me, and this only leads to anxiety. Watching Dillon, it was like he was acting out how I felt inside. I was trying to take him place to place, so he could have fun, because I love him. And instead of trusting me, he was questioning me every step of the way, letting his negative self talk get in the way of having a good time with his friends. Just like God is trying to lead me to better places, and I’m questioning Him and and doubting His plan for me. No wonder I get so anxious…

I signed up for Kelly Rae Robert’s online class that started June 1st. The purpose is to reveal the negative way we talk to ourselves without realizing it. I opened today’s email and read it. Divine intervention–I read it to Dillon in terms he can understand. We decide we’re going to make our own rock–a symbol to carry to remind ourselves–him to be joyful in how he talks to himself and me to have faith in God that He will work everything out.

We worked together and made our rocks. We’re still working on it, but I’m hopeful we can change this negativity. If we wouldn’t talk to others this way, then why do we do it to ourselves?

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