I stumbled on the Carpenters (I’m realizing I like my parents’ generation of music–Journey (so deliciously cheesy!) to Tom Petty (I feel like he just gets me) to now the Carpenters. I woke up this morning to a rainy Monday morning. This wonderful weekend flew by and I almost felt like I had a mild hangover when the boys woke me up–(I need to drink more water and less coffee/tea!) and am just feeling melancholy.
I don’t think it’s something to be medicated. I think it’s just a normal part of being human–the rainy day makes me want to do comforting things. A hot cup of coffee, sharing a blanket with my boys, and open my Bible that I have honestly not opened in a week or so. I went to Church Saturday evening…it’s so interesting to me how insidious the devil is. Dillon and I were running late and Dillon was pretty tired. I asked him if he just wanted to go home and he told me no, he wanted to go to Church. They have an amazing kids’ church, and Dillon had a blast the last time he went, but the last few Sundays he has been insisting on going to the adult’s sermon. I love the men in their 60s/70s that come up to him. Dillon has the same snap button cowboy shirts that they are wearing! But my point is, it’s so easy to convince myself that I can just go next week, and this is exactly what I need to NOT do.
The sermon was great. We are created to worship. We all worship…something. People tend to think of worshiping as going to church and singing songs about God, but it’s more than that. It’s whatever you spend your money on, your time doing. I heard someone say whatever you spend your money on, there your heart is. I thought about it, and it’s true. I haven’t had a haircut in who knows how long, but I will happily fork over money for the boys to get theirs cut. I have to be careful because Hobby Lobby and Michaels are so tempting and it’s easy to get carried away, buying art supplies I honestly don’t need.
My God is a jealous god, and rightfully so. Jealousy might have a negative connotation, but I honestly would feel hurt if God didn’t care about my love for Him. But He does. We were created to worship, and we were created by Him. I struggle with humility, the need for others’ approval, and doing everything for His glory. To paraphrase, “I must become less, and He must become more”.
I realized this morning I haven’t done a devotional since June 12th. So this rainy Monday morning melancholiness is a good thing. It pushes me into His arms, when I’ve been wandering a little too far away…
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers are still my devotionals.
Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” I love reading the notes in my Bible. “To be cheerful is to be ready to greet others with a welcome, a word of encouragement, an enthusiasm for the task at hand, and a positive outlook on the future. Such people are as welcome as pain-relieving medicine.”
Wow. That is perfect for me to remember as I go into work this afternoon. A large part of my job is doing patient interviews, assessing their pain, working the doctors and staff to implement medications and non-medication pain relief such as massage, TENs & other therapist driven pain relieving measures, aromatherapy, etc. But how important is distraction? I remember the last interview I did, a patient who was a little difficult to work with because she is so honest with her thoughts and emotions. I enjoyed talking with her about our common interest in art, and as I eventually wrapped up our interview, she asked me to ask the floor nurse for her pain pill. “I got so caught up in our conversation I forgot about our pain!” How amazing is that? Not that I think I deserve a pat on the back but the fact that just by sitting and talking with her, enjoying each other’s company was enough to override her brain and nerves telling her that her recently surgically repaired knee was inflamed is amazing!
I love being around people who are encouraging, cheerful, enthusiastic about getting the job done (it has to be done–why not have fun while doing it??) and look at the future with a sense that no matter what happens, everything will be okay.
I love being around people like that, and I want to be a person like this.
I remember how I felt this time last year. I was miserable, and although I know I put on a happy face for acquaintances, those who knew me best probably didn’t think I was the funnest person to be around, and I don’t blame them. My spirit was overwhelmed, crushed, dried up. You can’t give love freely if you don’t love yourself.
My Bible tells me this verse is closely associated with Proverbs 15:13, “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.” Yes! This is so, so true. Like I wrote yesterday, by changing my negative, pessimistic outlook on life, I unconsciously replaced my heartache with joy. I don’t have to think about smiling at strangers when I’m practicing an attitude of gratitude, I just want to and so I do. But last year, thinking that I honestly didn’t want to be on this Earth anymore, I was so inwardly focused I didn’t even notice the people around me. I was sucked into my cesspool of misery.
This verse has an annotation that directs me to Proverbs 12:25, “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” Being anxious is one of my biggest downfalls. I worry about everything, real and imaginary. I’ve always had an inclination to do this and somehow convinced myself at some point that if I think about something bad happening and how I would handle it, it won’t come true. This is so morbid, and even extends to worrying about the boys and Nate when they drive 3 hours away to see his mom. What would I do if they were in a car accident and gone to me forever? The thought brings tears to my eyes and my shoulders and neck tighten up. Why do I do this? Circling back to Sarah Young’s devotional for today–God is saying, “Jenni–stop trying to micromanage My job and enjoy the life you’ve been blessed with!” The idea that I’m powerful enough to micromanage God is so absurd it makes me want to laugh and shake my head. What I should be doing instead is covering them in prayer as they travel, asking God and His angels to guide them and protect them from harm. I can relax, He has made me so many promises and hasn’t broken one yet. He promised me He wants what is best for me and so I can let go of this worry and the subsequent anxiety…
This leads to Isaiah 50:4. I don’t get it, so I read up to the beginning of the chapter. God is talking about Israel, who has turned to other nations for help, and essentially rejecting God. This is crazy because God is almighty and powerful, only wants what is best for us, and only asks us to love Him in return. But by turning to other nations, Israel compromised and sold themselves out and fell into sin.
What’s even worse is that God had promised to fight for Israel, if they would only trust Him. This is obvious in hindsight, which is 20/20. But how many times have I looked to other things to protect me, to fight for me, leading God to say to me (I imagine a father and a wayward daughter)
“When I came [to rescue you], why was there no one?
When I called, why was there no one to answer?
Was My arm too short to deliver you?
Do I lack the strength to rescue you?
By a mere [command] I dry up the sea,
I turn rivers into a desert…
I clothe the heavens with darkness and make sackcloth [a very coarse, rough fabric like burlap] its covering
(This is beyond confusing–according to Google and Barnes’ Notes on the Bible–“Alluding to clouds. Sackcloth was a coarse and dark cloth which was usually worn as an emblem of mourning…to say, therefore, that the heaves were clothed with sackcloth, is one of the most striking and impressive figures which can be conceived.” The Pulpit Commentary says, “God means to assert his power of leaving all nature in absolute darkness, if he so choose-a power necessarily belonging to him who said, “Let there be light; and there was light”. Yikes–God is reminding us just how powerful He is…why are we turning others for help instead of Him??)I keep reading and my conscience prickles. Isaiah 50:10-11, “Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust isn’t he name of the Lord and rely on their God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment.” This doesn’t sound like a loving God at all! I read the footnotes:”If we walk by our own light and reject God’s, we become self-sufficient, and the result of self-sufficiency is torment. When we place confidence in our own intelligence, appearance, or accomplishments instead of in God, we risk torment later when these strengths fade.” Well, that makes sense. And I’m completely guilty of relying on my own self instead of looking to God. I need to become less, and He needs to become more.