This video may be very triggersome. But it is so powerful and made me realize some deep, dark truths that I felt compelled to share.
As I watched this video, my first thoughts were of times I felt violated, of the stories I’ve listened to from tearful friend, and I wonder how these men could ever think this is okay to do this to another woman.
And then as I watch further, I realize I’m just as guilty.
I’m guilty of laughing at crude jokes that objectify women.
I’m guilty of judging another woman based on her outfit, a rumor.
I’m guilty of perpetuating rape culture.
I’m guilty of being silent, and in being silent, condoning this type of culture.
My #metoo hashtag isn’t my story of my experiences being objectified because I was born with an extra X chromosome.
My #metoo is because I’m guilty of not speaking up, not respecting my own sex. I’m guilty of perpetuating rape culture, a culture that says it’s okay to treat women disrespectfully.
I can’t change my past actions, but I can change my mindset right now, and make it my personal promise to gently hold myself and my peers to a higher standard so that we can change this culture to a better one.
My former ER nurse brain glances over at him as I flip his pancake. He’s walking normally, his mucous membranes are moist, he still has his ‘sparkle’ in his eyes. I brush him off and tend to Logan’s fussing.
“Mommy, my head kinda hurts.”
I glance over at him once again. He looks fine, he ate a hearty breakfast, he’s afebrile (no increased temperature). He’s fine.
We drive to school and my usually talkative son is quiet. We get out, I talk to one of the other moms, and head in. Dillon balks. “I. Don’t. Feel. Good!” Tears in his eyes. My first thoughts are, “Your teacher has already started class and we’re being disruptive!” I don’t know what to do. Is he faking it? Now that I’m writing this I think about this thought and examine it–my sweet boy, who had an excellent first day yesterday, who loves his classmates and his teacher, why would he fake it?
I try to talk to him, cajole him. Finally I tell him to get in the Jeep, but when we get home, he’s going straight to bed, no iPad, no TV. He can read books, but he’s not playing. Inside I feel like I’m failing as a mother, and I can only imagine what his teacher thinks of me.
I put his little brother down for his nap. I’m overtired, having worked yesterday, and then stayed up late painting and meditating, and even though I woke up feeling refreshed, my self doubt as a mother and feeling of inadequacy are pulling me down. My fantasies of day drinking at 9 in the morning quickly make me realize I’m being triggered, and as I retreat to my quiet space to think, my sweet boy follows me downstairs.
I have my online Vibrant Happy Women’s circle in a bit, so I tell him to get his iPad and his headphones and lay down on the bed in my craft room. As he situates himself, I feel compelled to talk to him. As I sit next to him, he sits up and folds himself in my arms. “I don’t like it when you’re mad at me, Mommy.” My heart melts and I get a flashback of myself at his age. Instinctively I realize he’s scared.
“Dillon, your knees hurt because they’re growing. They’re telling you to get ready, because you’re going to start turning into a man like Daddy. They might feel like pain, but really it’s just discomfort. It’s your body talking to you.” He looks at me and embarrassed, laughs. I tell him we can give him some ibuprofen, but in the meantime, he’s missing out on learning all the wisdom his teacher has to offer. That he needs this education to learn how to be a good farmer/rancher like he wants to be, that this beautiful woman won’t be around forever in the physical sense, and we need to soak up everything she has to teach us while we can.
I see a gleam of understanding in his eyes, and feel a peace in my own heart. My self doubt as a mother is replaced with an understanding by viewing the world through my sweet boy’s eyes. His knees are hurting. He doesn’t know why, and it’s scary.
This is the first of many changes he’s facing, and I realize now, writing this, that I made the right choice by letting him stay home with me today. We can make up the numbers and reading, but I can never make up for these moments when he reaches out for me and tells me he needs me.
I was raised to be a ‘good’ girl, a ‘nice’ girl, to be a people pleaser, to not offend anyone. I wanted to make everyone happy. Until I got older and suddenly found myself in precarious situations. They want one thing, but I’m confused. It doesn’t seem right, I don’t want that, yet I don’t know how to stand up for myself…
Not that I’m blaming my parents in any way–they had and have nothing but love for me, and I never once doubted I was loved by them growing up, even when I tested them beyond reason. But back then, it was almost like a societal expectation. The meek, shy, good girls were praised, while the outspoken girls who dared to stand up for themselves were labeled as ‘tomboys’ or ‘dangerous’ or ‘unruly’ or even ‘bad girls’.
I’m reading my old diaries, my poems, and remembering. I came across this one entry, and it stings. Do I dare publish it? It’s painful, but then I read it, and think of my sister, my cousin, my niece, the sweet girls in my son’s elementary school. I think of my younger self, and I know I need to…for her.
If I can share my experience and if these sweet girls that I love, with their eyes filled with trust and their sweet spirits can learn from it, if they can walk a different path …at least some good will have come from my lesson. This is from way back when, long before I met my sweet husband and built this life I love.
I made this mistake last night
Said I don’t know
When I should’ve said no
Why can’t I learn to fight for my right to say no
So I come home numb
Stand in the shower and try to cry
But no tears come
I can’t get the water hot enough
To erase the stains of his touch
My heart turns to stone
I’ve never wanted so much to be alone
I forget my past again and trust
When will I learn–
If I believe, I’ll pay the price of being naive
I never wanted that to happen
I’m not that kind of girl
I hate this price I have to pay
Now I cling to the hope
I’ll wake up and it was just a dream…just a dream. Just a dream.
Maybe if I repeat it enough
Tell myself over and over, I’ll finally believe…
It truly is simple. If you’re in a moment and you’re not sure, listen to that voice in your heart. If you’re uncomfortable, not sure what to do, or just feel confused, stand up and walk out. Make up an excuse. <3
This is the journal my mom made me when she was visiting last Christmas. She told me to buy paper, so I bought mixed media white paper, 18″ x 24″, at Michael’s. I lugged this home and watched her skillfully cut it up into pages after asking me what length I wanted. I loved the idea of being able to make flaps and pages that opened this way and that. Once I had my signatures (the bookmaker’s term for a couple of sheets of paper), Mom and Nate worked together to sew them. I held onto it, not quite ready to use it. I knew it had a purpose, and now I know what for. This is my spiritual journey journal (I’m pretty proud of that little alliteration that just popped out, ha ha).
I’ve been pretty quiet on my blog and social media. I’m still wrestling with the fears of alienating people if I reveal to them my true self. I thought I had this lesson covered, but the fear and self doubt are still there. I’ve been busier than ever, reading everything and anything that I find in my path, meeting new people, learning new things, and realizing life is so amazing. Yet when it came to sharing my experiences and my art work, I felt…stuck. Held back by my fears.
A phone call to my cousin in a moment of procrastination gave me the truth I needed. As I told her my issue, I knew instinctively what I needed to do. This is my truth, and this is my journey. I can’t live my life trying to make everyone happy, trying to please everyone, or trying to fit myself into a box so I don’t upset someone.
I wrote in my last post that I just can’t go back to being the ‘nice’ diminutive girl. That doesn’t mean I give myself permission to be disrespectful or not care about others–far from it. But I do give myself permission to follow my own arrow, to explore wherever it leads me, and when I get there, to be still and decide if it feels right for me.
My mom and I had an interesting talk the other day. I was 17 when my little sister was born. Mom and I were raised to be ‘nice’ girls, while Ronda was encouraged to be respectful of others yet to stand up for herself and to be true to herself, even if it went against the status quo. She is so amazing, and an inspiration to me. I look at my baby sister and want to be like her when I grow up. 🙂
Yet I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s a little scary, putting myself out there. My spiritual walk is as strong as ever, and I am so amazed at how everything just…fits together. Yet it also means I’ve changed, and I don’t know if everyone will accept these changes; accept me…
I’m learning about things I always (secretly) scoffed at, such as aromatherapy, Reiki, acupuncture, and other alternative medicine. I wondered why I went through everything this spring, only to realize it was to give me a glimpse of what it’s like to be a patient in today’s healthcare system.
Not the doctors, not the nurses, not the X-ray techs, not the CNAs. They all valiantly want to make their patients feel better. They put their heart and soul into what they do, and are just as discouraged as their patients when they can’t quite say what is wrong, when the labs and imaging don’t quite explain why their patient is so miserable.
Our healthcare system seems to focus on one aspect of healing–the body–and not so much the mind and spirit. Or maybe it’s society in general, and not necessarily our healthcare systems’ fault? All I know is my spirit was on life support, because I had shut it down for so long, until I felt like life was no longer worth living. As a result, my mind was depressed, so I drank too much alcohol to self-medicate. This was as healing as putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone, Bacitracin on a ruptured appendix. Yes, it numbed the anxiety and pain for a bit, but once the anesthesia wore off, the pain was right there waiting for me.
Once I started listening to my spirit again, I started healing. This seems so simple now it makes me feel a little foolish. I can see clearly why we have such an opioid problem. People are looking for something to quench their spiritual thirst. They need something to make life worth living for, otherwise what are we but robots, going through the motions? Some people are content with their lives the way it is, and there is nothing wrong with that. At the end of the day, their mind and spirit are at peace, and that’s what matters.
But for others, they need something more. And when you feel like you have the perfect life and have pretty much everything you want, yet feel empty, it’s pretty easy to feel ungrateful and to give in to the fear that you’re not enough and everything is pointless.
So when the body is assessed and nothing is found to explain the patient’s ailment, then maybe it’s time to start looking at the mind and spirit. That’s where complementary and alternative medicine come in. It might seem ‘woo woo’, but everywhere I turn I find people who are convinced it works. Even I’m convinced, and through my research, I finally figured out how it works. It’s all connected.
For so long I’ve questioned if I made a mistake becoming a nurse. When my beloved mentor passed away, I felt like my nursing path ended. I no longer felt like I was meant to go back to school and become an educator. It honestly felt like that door was shut and locked.
So now what? I love my art but I also love being with the sick and hurting and watching them heal. Everything happens for a reason, and I’m realizing now my path is to become a holistic nurse–focusing on not just healing the body, but the mind and spirit.
As I research this Eastern medicine, I can’t help but delve into the religions and cultures. Certain quotes and poems have always resonated with me, but now I’m looking at them more closely, and realizing they feel good, they feel right. I read everything and anything. Some things don’t feel right–like it gives my heart claustrophobia–and I quickly back away from anything that makes me feel nervous. But I give myself permission to let go of preconceived beliefs and just let my mind be open. Some things don’t resonate with me, and that’s okay. Others do, so intensely that I feel compelled to write them down.
Luckily I have a special journal made for me by two of the people who love me most. <3
You guys. I have been silent, writing behind the scenes but afraid to publish what I’m going through. I’m reading, searching, exploring, and my God is blowing my mind. There is so much more out there that I’ve always felt pulled toward but when society told me to shut it down, I did, like a good, nice girl.
But I’m so tired of living this shell of a ‘good’ girl, a ‘nice’ girl, who doesn’t make waves, who doesn’t say things that make others uncomfortable, who constantly overanalyzes everything before she says it to make sure no one is offended, at the detriment to her own soul.
Lately I’m breaking out of this shell, involuntarily. I truly can’t help it. Everything I’m stumbling on is feeding my soul like manna, and I’m so in love with my life and my God and I just want to keep exploring…I want to share everything I’m finding but I’m afraid. Of judgment, of losing loved ones…
Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart…my God has never seemed so close to me, yet I’m realizing I’m creating distance with my religion. I have no ill will and nothing but love and appreciation in my heart for this sweet church that has helped me grow up and done nothing but encourage me. Yet I’m realizing some of the things I’m exploring are in direct conflict with what they practice. So I close my eyes, quiet my spirit, and listen.
My treasure Thou art…I just want my God. I can feel Him in my soul, in my spirit. The English language gives him a male connotation, but really, He’s neither male or female. He’s light, and divinity, and everything that makes life worth living. He isn’t a he, or she…He just….is.
I’ve been surrendering my will, trying to figure out my next steps. I love to create. This feels good, it feels right. I love to encourage, to teach. I love to give hope, to transform ‘garbage’ to ‘art’. It’s all how we perceive things. I put together my Patreon, a website that allows artists to make money through their services, but it didn’t feel quite right. ‘Who am I to beg money for my work’ rang through my head, obnoxious and persistent. This isn’t right. I tried to give it time, thinking this is just how I’m supposed to make money so my husband can follow his dream. Instead my creativity suffered and I consulted my tarot cards. They revealed what I already knew.
Write. Create. Listen to your intuition. Things will happen as they’re supposed to. Quit trying to force things. Temperance. Sweet temperance. I feel called to meditate on this…to me it’s like a crucible, a refinement. Becoming stronger by trials.
Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. I could listen to this song over and over. Overwhelming, never ending reckless love of God…I look at Logan, toddling toward me as he walks past Nate’s truck in a busy parking lot and my heart swells with pride and love and protection. I helped make this beautiful, sweet boy. I would do anything for him. I want nothing but the best for him, I will move heaven and earth to make his dreams come true, yet I know he has to play his part as well. If I can feel this as a parent, imagine what our God must feel towards us, His creation???
My love for my God has never been stronger, but I’m questioning everything…my traditional customs, the usual way I do things. What if there is a different (dare I say–better–??) way of faith than the usual customs and traditions and societal regulations…
I’m realizing the answers I’m so desperately seeking are inside me. So I’m listening to this sweet, still voice inside my soul, that sends whispers to my heart with beacons of hope and talismans of faith…
This sweet, still voice. If I can just pause the incessant chatter of my brain, the deluge of messages from today’s world, find my center and listen, I can find peace.
It takes effort…so much effort. It’s so simply complicated. Breathe in, as deep as you can, and let it out. Over and over. Let go. Just be. Some days are harder than others, but I keep my ‘Will o Wisp’ journal handy and it keeps me on track.
I live my days for this sweet, still voice. She guides me to still waters, and holds the lantern to illuminate my path. I tried so hard to find others to guide me, to tell me the answers and show me the way. I bought and read books, looking for wisdom only to find mirrors.
I’m realizing the answers are inside me. When I take a moment to be still, when I record the moments that speak to me and make me feel–be it happy or angry or sad or determined–that is my answer. This sometimes takes me down the most unorthodox paths. As I was reading Paulo Coelho’s “The Witch of Portobello”, so many sentences are speaking to me. One speaks to me so much that I write it on my bathroom mirror in permanent marker
“Everything is worship if your mind is focused on the present moment”
Yes. So much yes. My worries for tomorrow, my thoughts of yesterday, are nothing but stories my brain is concocting. I take the back roads home from work, and try to let my anxieties go.
Let it go…instead, focus on what I’m doing in this very moment. I slam on the brakes on the gravel road as I look at the doe with her two fawns as I mentally thank my God for this moment that reassures me that all is as it should be. Worrying has always been one of my worst faults. But why? What does worrying accomplish? My brothers don’t seem to worry about anything, and just live life as it comes, and I love their free spirit. What would happen if I ceased worrying? We wouldn’t have hamburger buns for our barbecue? So what…lol. No one comes to the BBQ for the hamburger buns…they come for the company, to enjoy each other’s company!
I’m letting go of inhibitions. I never liked dancing, unless I was thoroughly drunk. Deep down I knew the sacredness of dancing, and I couldn’t let go. Reading this novel, the discussion of the ‘navel’, made me think of belly dancing, and I googled it. There was a beautiful YouTube video talking about how to belly dance, and I loved it. As I moved and swayed to the foreign music, I felt like letting my hair down and free. This wasn’t about sexuality, or fitness, or whether I could hear the beat. This was letting the notes wash over me, seep into my soul, and feeling my inside respond with swaying to the beat, without thinking about it. It was losing myself to the rhythm. I danced, and danced, alone, for almost an hour. At times I caught myself pushing my palms to the ceiling, thanking my God, thankful to be alive. As I finally tired, I felt an impulse to unwind with yoga. As I googled yoga with gratitude, sweet Adrienne popped up. Life is so good, and I am so thankful.
So much has changed I feel like I don’t even recognize myself anymore, in a good way. This year has been such a radical awakening, I almost feel as if I’ve been reborn. Wine has lost it’s glamour over me…and I’ve tried it and it’s just not the same. I had two glasses of wine a few weekends ago and to my surprise I was pretty tipsy. The next morning I woke up and I felt slightly pukey, and my head ached, and it was just…ugh. I hadn’t realized I how much I appreciated getting out of bed, feeling good and rested and getting on with my day. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating on special occasions but now I’m more than content to let the whiskey get a little dust on the bottle.
By no longer dulling my senses every night, my eyes are wide open and I feel like the Universe has just opened itself up to me and revealed so many secrets. I’ve found so many new things I feel deeply called to study, to research, and there’s just not enough time in the day, in a good way. My minutes are packed as full as I can get them with moments that make me happy. I started listening to my inner voice and stopped doing things because “I should” but didn’t really want to. If it feels good, I do it. I wear the black skirt that makes me feel like Audrey Hepburn. I let myself stay up all night planning and figuring things out for our future. I let the laundry stay in the dryer for a moment and lay down on the floor and feel the ground beneath my back, let my muscles and vertebrae settle, and welcome Logan’s sloppy kiss.
As long as I like the results I’m getting, I keep doing whatever it is that makes my soul happy without worrying about my inner lizard (a concept from Martha Beck’s book, Steering by Starlight) griping at me. My inner lizard is Rosie, and she has bright pink sunglasses that match her pink lipstick, she smokes like a chimney and has a tendency for theatrics. Her favorite way to pass the time is to worry about how wrong things will go and what other people might be thinking about us. Now that I know I can tell her to chill, I don’t mind my little lizard. Martha Beck is one of my new favorite authors and I’m only three chapters into her book but I’ve already ordered her other one, Finding Your Own North Star.
I’m exploring religion and spirituality, researching and seeing what feels right deep inside. And I’ve never felt closer to God than I do now. I have so many notes of books and authors I need to read, of artists I want to learn from, and a watercolor class that starts in August. I’m going to learn how to watercolor sunrises and sunsets, because pictures just don’t do justice to what I am blessed to see every day.
I’m definitely still on edge and feeling irritable at times, the itchy feeling like something’s under my skin and I just want to run, or the moments when I feel like I’m being swept away by a tidal wave still catch me off guard. But the more I reach out to people on Instagram and connect with my tribe, the more I realize I’m not alone in this feeling and it will pass. Everything is going to be okay. The sweet voice of Audrey Assad sings this hymn in my mind throughout the day and I love it:
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art
High King of Heaven, my victory won
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heav’n’s Sun
Heart of my own heart, whate’er befall
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all…
I feel called to go back through my diaries and journals, to explore these thought processes that weighed me down for so long. I’ve already started going through my diary from when I was 8 years old, and realized so many insights as to why I do/think certain ways today. For example, I had written about reading a book that dealt with grief, and my anger and grief over losing my cat, Spanky. Then I had written that I can’t show my feelings in front of my parents because I don’t want them to think I’m a baby. Ignoring and hiding my true feelings; something I still do to this day. Why? Why do I need to pretend I’m not human? This is something I can let go. By looking back at my sweet, naive 8 year old self, I feel like I can heal a part of my soul.
I also stumbled on a website called Patreon, that allows artists to fund their creativity. I’m content with my job, working 24 hours as a nurse, but I would love to work toward generating enough income that my husband could quit his job and work at home full-time, raising cattle, hay, or whatever he feels he needs to do with these 80 acres. So I’ve been slowly pulling this website together.
There are four tiers to my Patreon, and my vision is to have it be an expansion of this blog, a ‘behind the scenes and gifts’ for those who feel called to help us work towards our dream of building up this land with livestock and a greenhouse, raising our boys, learning the ‘olden ways’ of doing things and sharing all this with you. This time last year I truly wondered if life was really worth living. Now I have so much I want to do and learn…Hebrew and Latin and composting, making paper from the birds nest that was in our barbecue, creating my art and watching my boys grow…I wonder how I’m going to get it all done in the next 50 years.
The first tier is Logan’s tier, and it involves me going through and writing about my old journal entries. I’ve thought about this for the last few months, because there are things in my diaries I’m not proud of, and sharing them with the world obviously invites scrutiny. Then I think about finding someone who was going through something similar, and the hope it gave me, the strength. To me that makes it worthwhile…to maybe hold a lantern for some sweet young girl starting out on her own path. The only regrets I have for my actions is the pain I’ve caused others–everything I’ve been through has taught me something and made me stronger and wiser.
By going through these entries there is also a sweet healing component. Almost like my spirit is there with my 8 year old self, telling me that all is going to be okay, and finally releasing that burden I insisted on carrying around with me all this time. I’m gaining so much insight and respect for my parents and others around me. I didn’t realize all they shouldered when I was young, but their grace in difficult situations has taught me so much and I am so thankful for them.
This first tier is for anyone who wants to contribute a $1 or more a month. I’ll still blog on this site, but some of the posts will only be for “Patreons” to see. I’m downsizing my social media, no longer focusing as much on Twitter and Facebook, and will focus on Instagram (one account only–I’m no longer going to do an account for home life and a separate one for art). It’s too much to try to keep up with while working and the boys, the animals, etc.
The second tier is Dillon’s tier. Dillon is my charismatic little artist, and he loves to interact with people as he creates his art. For $10 or more a month, Patreons can watch us livestream at least once a week and interact with us while watching us play with art. I love doing this because sometimes I’m not sure what direction to go and I can ask people watching for their input!
The third tier is my tier. For $20 or more a month, I will hand make ‘happy mail’ and send it you at least once a month…I love to share quotes that I find uplifting and encouraging, and have sent happy mail to a pen pal in Oklahoma City with real sunflower petals on it from our driveway. You also get the previous two tiers. I’m limiting this one to 20 people, since I can only make so many things a month 🙂
The fourth tier is Nate’s tier, and is for those who want to pay $100 or more a month. Nate is incredible at handtooling leather, and will create a bookmark or something similar for you. I tried to get him to agree to videoing a happy dance and uploading it to Facebook, but that was a hard no!
So we’re just throwing this out to the universe, ignoring Rosie as she whispers, “Do you really think people would be interested?!” And seeing what happens…
You can view our Patreon page here–let me know what you think!