You guys. I have been silent, writing behind the scenes but afraid to publish what I’m going through. I’m reading, searching, exploring, and my God is blowing my mind. There is so much more out there that I’ve always felt pulled toward but when society told me to shut it down, I did, like a good, nice girl.
But I’m so tired of living this shell of a ‘good’ girl, a ‘nice’ girl, who doesn’t make waves, who doesn’t say things that make others uncomfortable, who constantly overanalyzes everything before she says it to make sure no one is offended, at the detriment to her own soul.
Lately I’m breaking out of this shell, involuntarily. I truly can’t help it. Everything I’m stumbling on is feeding my soul like manna, and I’m so in love with my life and my God and I just want to keep exploring…I want to share everything I’m finding but I’m afraid. Of judgment, of losing loved ones…
Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart…my God has never seemed so close to me, yet I’m realizing I’m creating distance with my religion. I have no ill will and nothing but love and appreciation in my heart for this sweet church that has helped me grow up and done nothing but encourage me. Yet I’m realizing some of the things I’m exploring are in direct conflict with what they practice. So I close my eyes, quiet my spirit, and listen.
My treasure Thou art…I just want my God. I can feel Him in my soul, in my spirit. The English language gives him a male connotation, but really, He’s neither male or female. He’s light, and divinity, and everything that makes life worth living. He isn’t a he, or she…He just….is.
I’ve been surrendering my will, trying to figure out my next steps. I love to create. This feels good, it feels right. I love to encourage, to teach. I love to give hope, to transform ‘garbage’ to ‘art’. It’s all how we perceive things. I put together my Patreon, a website that allows artists to make money through their services, but it didn’t feel quite right. ‘Who am I to beg money for my work’ rang through my head, obnoxious and persistent. This isn’t right. I tried to give it time, thinking this is just how I’m supposed to make money so my husband can follow his dream. Instead my creativity suffered and I consulted my tarot cards. They revealed what I already knew.
Write. Create. Listen to your intuition. Things will happen as they’re supposed to. Quit trying to force things. Temperance. Sweet temperance. I feel called to meditate on this…to me it’s like a crucible, a refinement. Becoming stronger by trials.
Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. I could listen to this song over and over. Overwhelming, never ending reckless love of God…I look at Logan, toddling toward me as he walks past Nate’s truck in a busy parking lot and my heart swells with pride and love and protection. I helped make this beautiful, sweet boy. I would do anything for him. I want nothing but the best for him, I will move heaven and earth to make his dreams come true, yet I know he has to play his part as well. If I can feel this as a parent, imagine what our God must feel towards us, His creation???
My love for my God has never been stronger, but I’m questioning everything…my traditional customs, the usual way I do things. What if there is a different (dare I say–better–??) way of faith than the usual customs and traditions and societal regulations…
I’m realizing the answers I’m so desperately seeking are inside me. So I’m listening to this sweet, still voice inside my soul, that sends whispers to my heart with beacons of hope and talismans of faith…
This sweet, still voice. If I can just pause the incessant chatter of my brain, the deluge of messages from today’s world, find my center and listen, I can find peace.
It takes effort…so much effort. It’s so simply complicated. Breathe in, as deep as you can, and let it out. Over and over. Let go. Just be. Some days are harder than others, but I keep my ‘Will o Wisp’ journal handy and it keeps me on track.
I live my days for this sweet, still voice. She guides me to still waters, and holds the lantern to illuminate my path. I tried so hard to find others to guide me, to tell me the answers and show me the way. I bought and read books, looking for wisdom only to find mirrors.
I’m realizing the answers are inside me. When I take a moment to be still, when I record the moments that speak to me and make me feel–be it happy or angry or sad or determined–that is my answer. This sometimes takes me down the most unorthodox paths. As I was reading Paulo Coelho’s “The Witch of Portobello”, so many sentences are speaking to me. One speaks to me so much that I write it on my bathroom mirror in permanent marker
“Everything is worship if your mind is focused on the present moment”
Yes. So much yes. My worries for tomorrow, my thoughts of yesterday, are nothing but stories my brain is concocting. I take the back roads home from work, and try to let my anxieties go.
Let it go…instead, focus on what I’m doing in this very moment. I slam on the brakes on the gravel road as I look at the doe with her two fawns as I mentally thank my God for this moment that reassures me that all is as it should be. Worrying has always been one of my worst faults. But why? What does worrying accomplish? My brothers don’t seem to worry about anything, and just live life as it comes, and I love their free spirit. What would happen if I ceased worrying? We wouldn’t have hamburger buns for our barbecue? So what…lol. No one comes to the BBQ for the hamburger buns…they come for the company, to enjoy each other’s company!
I’m letting go of inhibitions. I never liked dancing, unless I was thoroughly drunk. Deep down I knew the sacredness of dancing, and I couldn’t let go. Reading this novel, the discussion of the ‘navel’, made me think of belly dancing, and I googled it. There was a beautiful YouTube video talking about how to belly dance, and I loved it. As I moved and swayed to the foreign music, I felt like letting my hair down and free. This wasn’t about sexuality, or fitness, or whether I could hear the beat. This was letting the notes wash over me, seep into my soul, and feeling my inside respond with swaying to the beat, without thinking about it. It was losing myself to the rhythm. I danced, and danced, alone, for almost an hour. At times I caught myself pushing my palms to the ceiling, thanking my God, thankful to be alive. As I finally tired, I felt an impulse to unwind with yoga. As I googled yoga with gratitude, sweet Adrienne popped up. Life is so good, and I am so thankful.
Just a closer walk with Thee <3