This is the journal my mom made me when she was visiting last Christmas. She told me to buy paper, so I bought mixed media white paper, 18″ x 24″, at Michael’s. I lugged this home and watched her skillfully cut it up into pages after asking me what length I wanted. I loved the idea of being able to make flaps and pages that opened this way and that. Once I had my signatures (the bookmaker’s term for a couple of sheets of paper), Mom and Nate worked together to sew them. I held onto it, not quite ready to use it. I knew it had a purpose, and now I know what for. This is my spiritual journey journal (I’m pretty proud of that little alliteration that just popped out, ha ha).
I’ve been pretty quiet on my blog and social media. I’m still wrestling with the fears of alienating people if I reveal to them my true self. I thought I had this lesson covered, but the fear and self doubt are still there. I’ve been busier than ever, reading everything and anything that I find in my path, meeting new people, learning new things, and realizing life is so amazing. Yet when it came to sharing my experiences and my art work, I felt…stuck. Held back by my fears.
A phone call to my cousin in a moment of procrastination gave me the truth I needed. As I told her my issue, I knew instinctively what I needed to do. This is my truth, and this is my journey. I can’t live my life trying to make everyone happy, trying to please everyone, or trying to fit myself into a box so I don’t upset someone.
I wrote in my last post that I just can’t go back to being the ‘nice’ diminutive girl. That doesn’t mean I give myself permission to be disrespectful or not care about others–far from it. But I do give myself permission to follow my own arrow, to explore wherever it leads me, and when I get there, to be still and decide if it feels right for me.
My mom and I had an interesting talk the other day. I was 17 when my little sister was born. Mom and I were raised to be ‘nice’ girls, while Ronda was encouraged to be respectful of others yet to stand up for herself and to be true to herself, even if it went against the status quo. She is so amazing, and an inspiration to me. I look at my baby sister and want to be like her when I grow up. 🙂
Yet I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s a little scary, putting myself out there. My spiritual walk is as strong as ever, and I am so amazed at how everything just…fits together. Yet it also means I’ve changed, and I don’t know if everyone will accept these changes; accept me…
I’m learning about things I always (secretly) scoffed at, such as aromatherapy, Reiki, acupuncture, and other alternative medicine. I wondered why I went through everything this spring, only to realize it was to give me a glimpse of what it’s like to be a patient in today’s healthcare system.
Not the doctors, not the nurses, not the X-ray techs, not the CNAs. They all valiantly want to make their patients feel better. They put their heart and soul into what they do, and are just as discouraged as their patients when they can’t quite say what is wrong, when the labs and imaging don’t quite explain why their patient is so miserable.
Our healthcare system seems to focus on one aspect of healing–the body–and not so much the mind and spirit. Or maybe it’s society in general, and not necessarily our healthcare systems’ fault? All I know is my spirit was on life support, because I had shut it down for so long, until I felt like life was no longer worth living. As a result, my mind was depressed, so I drank too much alcohol to self-medicate. This was as healing as putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone, Bacitracin on a ruptured appendix. Yes, it numbed the anxiety and pain for a bit, but once the anesthesia wore off, the pain was right there waiting for me.
Once I started listening to my spirit again, I started healing. This seems so simple now it makes me feel a little foolish. I can see clearly why we have such an opioid problem. People are looking for something to quench their spiritual thirst. They need something to make life worth living for, otherwise what are we but robots, going through the motions? Some people are content with their lives the way it is, and there is nothing wrong with that. At the end of the day, their mind and spirit are at peace, and that’s what matters.
But for others, they need something more. And when you feel like you have the perfect life and have pretty much everything you want, yet feel empty, it’s pretty easy to feel ungrateful and to give in to the fear that you’re not enough and everything is pointless.
So when the body is assessed and nothing is found to explain the patient’s ailment, then maybe it’s time to start looking at the mind and spirit. That’s where complementary and alternative medicine come in. It might seem ‘woo woo’, but everywhere I turn I find people who are convinced it works. Even I’m convinced, and through my research, I finally figured out how it works. It’s all connected.
For so long I’ve questioned if I made a mistake becoming a nurse. When my beloved mentor passed away, I felt like my nursing path ended. I no longer felt like I was meant to go back to school and become an educator. It honestly felt like that door was shut and locked.
So now what? I love my art but I also love being with the sick and hurting and watching them heal. Everything happens for a reason, and I’m realizing now my path is to become a holistic nurse–focusing on not just healing the body, but the mind and spirit.
As I research this Eastern medicine, I can’t help but delve into the religions and cultures. Certain quotes and poems have always resonated with me, but now I’m looking at them more closely, and realizing they feel good, they feel right. I read everything and anything. Some things don’t feel right–like it gives my heart claustrophobia–and I quickly back away from anything that makes me feel nervous. But I give myself permission to let go of preconceived beliefs and just let my mind be open. Some things don’t resonate with me, and that’s okay. Others do, so intensely that I feel compelled to write them down.
Luckily I have a special journal made for me by two of the people who love me most. <3