I was raised to be a ‘good’ girl, a ‘nice’ girl, to be a people pleaser, to not offend anyone. I wanted to make everyone happy. Until I got older and suddenly found myself in precarious situations. They want one thing, but I’m confused. It doesn’t seem right, I don’t want that, yet I don’t know how to stand up for myself…
Not that I’m blaming my parents in any way–they had and have nothing but love for me, and I never once doubted I was loved by them growing up, even when I tested them beyond reason. But back then, it was almost like a societal expectation. The meek, shy, good girls were praised, while the outspoken girls who dared to stand up for themselves were labeled as ‘tomboys’ or ‘dangerous’ or ‘unruly’ or even ‘bad girls’.
I’m reading my old diaries, my poems, and remembering. I came across this one entry, and it stings. Do I dare publish it? It’s painful, but then I read it, and think of my sister, my cousin, my niece, the sweet girls in my son’s elementary school. I think of my younger self, and I know I need to…for her.
If I can share my experience and if these sweet girls that I love, with their eyes filled with trust and their sweet spirits can learn from it, if they can walk a different path …at least some good will have come from my lesson. This is from way back when, long before I met my sweet husband and built this life I love.
I made this mistake last night
Said I don’t know
When I should’ve said no
Why can’t I learn to fight for my right to say no
So I come home numb
Stand in the shower and try to cry
But no tears come
I can’t get the water hot enough
To erase the stains of his touch
My heart turns to stone
I’ve never wanted so much to be alone
I forget my past again and trust
When will I learn–
If I believe, I’ll pay the price of being naive
I never wanted that to happen
I’m not that kind of girl
I hate this price I have to pay
Now I cling to the hope
I’ll wake up and it was just a dream…just a dream. Just a dream.
Maybe if I repeat it enough
Tell myself over and over, I’ll finally believe…
It truly is simple. If you’re in a moment and you’re not sure, listen to that voice in your heart. If you’re uncomfortable, not sure what to do, or just feel confused, stand up and walk out. Make up an excuse. <3