I think I’ve been looking at being single all wrong since I started dating, in high school. Since that first boyfriend, I don’t know why I’ve been so afraid of being single. Maybe because I was afraid of being alone? Why was/am I so afraid to figure out who I am, on my own? In brutal, embarrassing honesty, I haven’t been single longer than a few weeks since then. I wrote a poem in my diary once, and one line has always stuck with me. That I feel like a runaway bride for the thousandth time. A play on Julia Roberts’ movie, Runaway Bride. Each time she takes on the likes of her current hubby, without realizing what she really enjoys for herself. Except she’s smarter–she realizes her mistake before she hits the altar. Two failed marriages and a few long term relationships later, I can count the months I’ve been single since I was 16 on one hand.
Maybe I’ve been looking at being single completely wrong.
For the first time in my life, I don’t have to answer to anyone. I only have my boys to consider when making decisions in my life. If I want to plan a trip in December, I don’t have to rationalize my reasons for going to anyone.
This realization gives me hope and honestly, is exciting. I started realizing what resonates with me while I was married to Nate. My spirituality has always been important to me, even when I was seven years old. I sacrificed it multiple times to appease whomever I was with and instead took on the hobbies my hubby was passionate about. Like snowmobiling and ranch life with Nate. I love the spirit of horses, but I’m just not a cowgirl. I wrote a poem once…cowboy, don’t take me away. A twist on a Dixie Chicks song. I love the open night sky, but I don’t like being so far from town.
I’m finally following the beat of my own drum, and as hard as this year has been, I know I’ve grown more in the last six months than I have in the last sixteen years.
I don’t know if I’ll ever marry again. I don’t really care right now. I might not have a boyfriend to text throughout the day, but I have so many friends who I can reach out to…friends that I met in middle school, high school, college, and beyond. I’m realizing the people who have come into my life that I’ve never fully appreciated and am so grateful as they reach out with their support as I shamelessly over share on social media.
My motto that I unearthed when I first started this spiritual awakening holds just as true today as ever–cotby and townlys. Concentrate on the task before you and the One who’ll never leave your side. If I keep myself from future tripping about things I have no control over and just focus on being in the present…if I just trust that my god will work everything out for the best as long as I follow what feels right, I will be okay.
I’ll be more than okay. I will finally be able to build a life that feels right.