If you love something, set it free. Such a cliche. If I love something why would I let it go?
Because deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. As much as I wanted to believe in happily ever after and even though my family thought we were perfect. Deep inside I knew we weren’t. Scrolling through the last four years of pictures on my iPhone, trying to find one, just one picture where he looked at me like he looks in his pictures with his girlfriend now. I couldn’t. I can’t.
For years something inside had been quietly screaming–it’s time to let him go. I fought back. He’s tall, handsome, hardworking, does everything around the house, takes care of me and our children. Yet the more I tried to deny the whispers the more insistent they became.
I loathed myself for not being good enough, strong enough, determined enough. If I could just be better maybe it could work. Yet all I ended up with was self-loathing and soon to be non-existent self-esteem. I felt caged by his attention, and when he tried harder to make me love him the way he needed to be loved, I withdrew even more. In the end we only brought out the worst in each other.
God, rereading this I feel like I sound like a neurotic mess. Maybe it was me being selfish, wanting my freedom. To be a free spirit, to just go wherever the wind takes me and in whatever direction feels right. To not give a damn about where I’m going and just go for the experience, to feel alive and be in awe of new things and random synchronicities that will never happen in the basement of a 1700 square foot house on 80 acres. Something was tugging at my soul too strongly and I couldn’t let go.
Before I left I entertained thoughts of putting him on dating apps. Maybe if I found someone for him before I said good-bye it would make it less painful for him. My pathetic ego trying to vindicate my guilt over leaving him.
A checkers king and a chess queen; a rodeo cowboy with his feet firmly on the ground and a free spirit with her head in the clouds. We were just too different. Once I admitted this I felt a weight off my shoulders. Like Anais Nin wrote–“I’m restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again…”
I told him when I left he’d find someone who loved that life of horses and cows as much as he did. He swore he would never love anyone else. I prayed every time I drove past those power lines and that house on the bluff he’d find someone…and he did. Someone that makes him smile, (really smile…even in his eyes) in pictures and can ride and rope, clean and cook. Someone who I could never be. Someone I honestly don’t want to be.
It doesn’t make it any less painful. Yet scrolling through the photos, realizing I made the right choice in letting him go. Some people are lessons. Some experiences. And others soulmates. He was a beautiful experience and I’m so grateful he found someone to make him truly happy. Even as painful as it was to walk away.
I think the one thing that frustrates me the most is I’m still not quite sure why I felt so compelled to venture on my own. I have no regrets, because I fought leaving until I knew there wasn’t any other way. I wish I knew what my purpose is. Why can’t I do whatever I’m supposed to be doing with this life living comfortably there?
I don’t know. It just didn’t, doesn’t feel right. So I have no choice but just to say okay…I trust God, and the Universe, and my faith. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing but I’m just taking little steps in the dark in whatever direction feels right and trusting in whatever that this is my way. And every time I get really fed up and just want to say screw it, something will catch my eye. A feather floating to the ground right in front of me. Unpacking as I move into my father’s basement, stumbling across my grandpa’s social security card out of nowhere after leaving a particularly spectacular trainwreck of a rebound relationship. My tarot cards and Sacred Rebels Oracle cards gently encouraging me to keep going…keep searching.
Just living each moment with resolve, following my motto, amor supra omnia. Above all, love. Finding humor in the stupidest memes that I can’t help but laugh at. Realizing I have a choice. I can wallow, or I can be free.
I did a tarot reading for myself yesterday. I was so tired of feeling stuck, in a rut. How do I break through to this magical, purposeful, rewarding life I envisioned?
The card I drew instantly resonated. Ace of Cups. I’m still a newbie at reading and I ready biddytarot’s insight and it speaks to my soul. Awakening of the human spirit. Divine love flowing through the subconscious mind to conscious awareness.
You receive love, you give love, you ARE love. See this as a time of giving and not taking; make the most of helping others. Share your inner radiance and positive energy. The more you give, the more you receive.
In other words, get out of my Leo ego/self-absorbed vanity. Quit waiting for someone/something else to make me feel better and focus on other people.
I did this reading right before my 12 hour night shift. It left me with hope and confidence. Even though I’ve spent these last three hours writing this being an emotional trainwreck after a disturbing dream, I still have faith I’m where I’m supposed to be, and know if I focus on practicing love, everything else will fall into place.
I made this art page from an old dictionary page. Used gel medium and dried daisy petals and paints. Uploaded it to an app and when I messed with the filters, an angel as in the center. This was right after I woke up after 3 hours of sleep after working that 12 hour night shift. A restless dream, a feeling of being the ultimate Good Luck Chuck left me reaching for my phone to type out the poem.