An Attitude of Gratitude

My mommy juice now is tea. A glass of kombucha (fermented tea) a day, and a hot cup of tea while I work or while I’m winding down for bed. Tension Tamer is great, and I like Yogi’s Invigorating tea with the flavor of nectarines. Yogi is fun too because their tags have sentiments on them. Today I used two bags and they read, “Spread the light; be the lighthouse” and “An attitude of gratitude brings opportunities”.

I like the sentiments and I decide to glue them into my planner. As I flip the page, I realize the sticker I put on yesterday reads, “Have an attitude of gratitude”. I know this is a common sentiment, but it’s pretty crazy my tea ends up having the same phrase on the tag. I believe in signs, so here goes.

I’ve noticed a lot of changes in my life, positive changes. It’s amazing how things happened when I decided I needed a change. I love my life right now…I still get overwhelmed and frustrated, but it’s so much easier to put things into perspective.

Taking the boys out of daycare has been amazing. I look forward to going to work, to interacting with my patients. Then I look forward to coming home and slipping into bed to wake up to my boys the next morning. The two extra days to stay on top of laundry and household chores have been so good.

I’m so thankful to have a husband like Nate, who lives for his family and holds himself to such a high standard. As I watch him check the oil in my Jeep, I catch myself thinking, “Man, he’s hot…” Yet he’s the first one to jump in and do laundry and cook dinner, doing what needs to be done through the day to provide for his family financially and then coming home and working tirelessly, without complaint.

I’m thankful for my boys. Logan is at the stage (I say the last hurdle before he’s more independent!) where I have to keep a constant vigil to keep him from harm’s way. Walking the fine line between letting him learn even though it means he might get a bump or two. Dillon is such a tender hearted young man–he looks after his mama like his dad does. He knows I get lost in my head sometimes and tend to forget things, but I when I remember that I forgot something, he’s right there next to me, “Here it is, Mom. I grabbed it for you.”

Dillon told me he doesn’t like feeding the animals in the morning–the smell of the kibble makes him gag. So he asked if his job could be getting Logan ready in the morning–getting him dressed. He is such a good big brother and Logan worships him. I love the relationship they’re forming and I pray it lasts forever.

Last New Year’s Eve, I was such a hot mess but I couldn’t see a way out. It truly felt like this was just the way it was, and I was helpless. Now I know this is a lie. My mom and stepdad write down their hopes for the year every year on New Year’s Eve–not resolutions per se, but what they want to see manifested. I honestly don’t remember what I wrote down, but I do remember feeling disgusted with myself, with my drinking, and how it was affecting my relationship with my loved ones, and more importantly, the way it was affecting my self esteem. But I didn’t know how to let it go, because I needed a crutch to get me through my self-created unhappiness. Ironically, the alcohol was the main contributor of that depression and misery.

I couldn’t imagine how things could possibly get better, but SJ and Mom said it doesn’t matter–just write down what you want to have happen. So I did. I knew the morning rush & commute to get to work was too much and my mental health was suffering. I truly thought that was just the way it had to be–a depressing, disheartening lie.

Mom and SJ flew home to Maine, taking the scroll that had all of our hopes for 2018 with them. We went back to our regular routines, and while I tried to cut back on my wine, I wasn’t successful. But through a sequence of events since I started this blog, things have fallen into place. I went from feeling miserable because I felt like I was an exhausted hamster, running a wheel and not accomplishing anything to feeling…joyful and content.

Really, not a whole lot has changed…I’m still working in the same job, for the same people, just 16 hours less a week. But that small change that I was so afraid to ask for, coupled with changing how I think about things, has made all the difference.

My mindset has changed. I’ve listened to countless podcasts, read blogs, self-help books, and found my faith and my church (again). I’ve realized 3 core truths that I truly believe. I might find more eventually, which would be nice. Each truth has felt like a key, a way to release old, or even false beliefs.

1) I don’t need to worry about what others think about me or my life. The only ones I need to concern myself with is my God, and myself. As long as I can go to bed at the end of the day and be at peace with myself and my actions for the day, it doesn’t matter what other people think or do, say or believe. This might sound selfish, but I’m realizing it’s the opposite. By giving myself permission to be true to me and stop trying to please everyone, I open myself up to being real with people, and I find it’s easier to love others when I’m at peace with myself.

2) Everything is neutral. Alcohol is neutral. Death is neutral. It’s how we think about alcohol and death that makes them “good”, “bad”, etc. Dillon asked me if alcohol is bad. I told him no, alcohol is not bad. But just like anything you try in life, you have to ask yourself if you like the results you’re getting. Having a glass of wine is not bad. Having ten glasses of wine isn’t necessarily bad, as long as you don’t mind the results you get (which will likely be a nasty hangover, but I digress!) 🙂 I finished explaining to Dillon that I didn’t like the results I was getting with my drinking, and so I made the choice to stop. I told him it didn’t mean I was never going to drink again, but my relationship with Dillon was suffering because of me drinking wine, so I stopped drinking.

This is cognitive behavioral therapy–the think/feel/act cycle to be specific. I heard about this concept in Rachel Hart’s podcast, Take a Break, and it was revolutionary to me–it changed the way I viewed wine and everything else. Your life is pretty much black and white; your thoughts are what color your world. When I described my world as bleak and gray, it was mostly due to my pessimistic outlook on things.

3) You have passions for a reason. For so long I shut myself down whenever I felt creative. I would tell myself, “You’re not an artist. You don’t know how to draw. You’re being silly…” Why? Why was I squelching that little whisper, pulling away from my soul tugging at me, urging me to create? When I gave myself permission to play, and stopped comparing my beginning to someone else’s middle (comparing my beginner art to those with years of experience), and just enjoyed the process, a whole new world opened up to me and it was amazing! Colors and textures, the smell of gesso and another unfurling of a white page or canvas to reveal hidden beauty, playing with new ideas and going down rabbit trails of “What if I try this…” and “What would happen if I do that…” I don’t do it for the accolade or the money. It’s the joy of the process and I could literally sit and play and create all day, everyday.

Growing up, I had a passion for medicine that led me to becoming a nurse. I still like being a nurse, but I don’t feel a passion to keep going to school to further my career. I don’t feel called to return to the ER. I’m content where I’m at. I get to sit and talk to patients, something I love. I get to have a job that allows me the flexibility to make my family a priority. For my coworkers and my boss, Sue, I am at a loss to say how thankful I am.

When I talk to teenagers, I tell them to follow their passions. They do not have to follow the cliche of graduate high school, go to college, get married, have babies and work for corporate America. They have interests for a reason! Pursue whatever tugs at your heart, pulls at your mind, and makes you feel alive! Do it with reckless abandon and everything will fall into place. You might not be a millionaire, but you also won’t be wasting your life doing something you hate, counting down the years to retirement.

I am grateful for my life, and the change to soak up every second of it and try to capture these precious moments in words and pictures so someday I can look back on a life well lived, and a life I loved living.

Beautiful, Messy Life

Last weekend was a busy one with the Kid’s Fishing Day Saturday morning, our neighbor/Dillon’s classmate’s Colton’s birthday party at the Children’s Museum Saturday afternoon, church Saturday evening, and then a start of summer BBQ at Dillon’s school. I knew Dillon was tired but I didn’t want to not go to the small BBQ and be rude.

This weekend was more challenging than most for me. Usually Nate is able to go with us as we do things around town. It’s amazing how having another person makes it 10x easier. But it was his weekend on call and ironically, just as we were getting ready to go do something, he inevitably would get called in. He was called 5 times this weekend, working over 16 hours in 2 days after having worked all week long.

We went to the Kid’s Fishing Day at Wadsworth and met up with a classmate and friend of Dillon’s, Amaris & her family. Sweet Amaris is so good with Dillon and Logan and is the sweetest little mother hen. My dad is involved with Walleyes Unlimited so was helping out with the Fishing Day. With Grandpa’s coaching, Dillon is getting pretty good at casting!

Grandpa Scott teaching Dillon how to cast

Afterwards we loaded up and headed to Target to get Colton’s birthday present, and then headed over to the Children’s Museum.

A science experiment about mixing colors…

Dillon needed to know what was going to happen, who was going to be there, what were we going to do after…as he peppered me with questions from the backseat, I tried to explain to him it didn’t matter who was there, we would have fun even if we were the only ones! He reminded me of ME when I was younger…having to know every detail, trying to mentally prepare himself for what was going to happen. I’m not sure why we do this, instead of being in the moment and taking it as it comes. Instead we let our worry rob us of the joy of living in the moment.

We went to the BBQ and I enjoyed myself. Nate got called in once again, so I was on my own with the boys again. It was at the school, and Dillon’s classmates’ families were amazing and so helpful, taking Logan for a bit so I could eat. We managed to get them fed, and then they went outside to play. It was hot and dry–perfect for water balloons.

The time flew by and before I knew it it was time to get home. I told Dillon to pick up the busted balloon pieces like his classmates, and he realized his good time was coming to an end and lost it. Full meltdown. I knew he was tired, but this was way out of proportion. Then he started to talk so negatively about himself…His angry tirade continued as I loaded him and Logan up in my Jeep and headed home. “I hate myself!”…”No one likes me!” “I wish I was dead!” I glanced at him in the rear view mirror, trying to figure out where on Earth this was coming from. We made it home and I put a tired Logan to bed, then sat with Dillon and talked. I didn’t know what to tell him, so I just told him that those thoughts were from the devil, who hates us and God and wants to make God sad by taking us away from Him. By letting ourselves believe these negative thoughts, we are letting the devil win. I could see this slowly sink in.

Dillon and I talked, and I told him the iPad and PS4 needed to be put away. I don’t know if he’s watching something that might be triggering these ideas, but it’s summer anyway and there are better things to be doing than screen time. We cuddle until he’s calm, and Nate came home.

We talk, venting our frustrations about the 17 hours he spent working this weekend instead of being there with us, about Dillon’s meltdown, the upcoming week. He’s exhausted, and so am I, but dinner, laundry, and little boys don’t take care of themselves. We get the boys fed, bathed, and put to bed. We fold one last load of laundry and mutually agree we’re done for the evening. I am overwhelmed, and I don’t try to hide my anxiety. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a hot mess most of the time, which isn’t far from the truth. But I’ve got an amazing husband and Jesus, and together we continue to raise up our boys and build our dreams.

I tried to unwind with my art, but I just felt…stuck. Like something was plugged up. So I did some yoga to try to loosen up my stiff back, then went upstairs. As I passed through the kitchen I noticed the lightning storm, and couldn’t help being mesmerized by it. As I watched the lightning flash, I was finally still enough to let my mind work through everything I was feeling. I went back downstairs.

So I’m sitting here in the dark, the lightning settling down, listening to worship music. I set it to random and the first song was King of My Heart, a song I feel speaks to my soul. I feel like I’m in this plateau, this middle place, like I’m stagnating and I know exactly why. I am still not giving up my need for anesthetizing myself, I’m not trusting God’s plan for me, and this only leads to anxiety. Watching Dillon, it was like he was acting out how I felt inside. I was trying to take him place to place, so he could have fun, because I love him. And instead of trusting me, he was questioning me every step of the way, letting his negative self talk get in the way of having a good time with his friends. Just like God is trying to lead me to better places, and I’m questioning Him and and doubting His plan for me. No wonder I get so anxious…

I signed up for Kelly Rae Robert’s online class that started June 1st. The purpose is to reveal the negative way we talk to ourselves without realizing it. I opened today’s email and read it. Divine intervention–I read it to Dillon in terms he can understand. We decide we’re going to make our own rock–a symbol to carry to remind ourselves–him to be joyful in how he talks to himself and me to have faith in God that He will work everything out.

We worked together and made our rocks. We’re still working on it, but I’m hopeful we can change this negativity. If we wouldn’t talk to others this way, then why do we do it to ourselves?

A Mother’s Heart

a mother's heart

My mom always says growing older is not for the faint of heart, but I’m realizing being a mom isn’t either. It has a way of revealing my insecurities and doubts, magnifying my shortcomings, and encouraging me to be a better person.

Dillon is getting older, and with that more independence. He struggles with containing his emotions and has a temper that gets him into trouble. Yet he has a heart of gold and is hardest on himself; a difficult combination to figure out how to discipline.

I remember when my brother was about Dillon’s age, he stole a piece of candy from the restaurant in Shelby. My parents saw it and made him take it back and apologize. He never did it again. I remember my other brother stealing a piece of gum from the grocery store, but he got caught. My mom picked him up and after a good scare from the friendly police officer, he never did it again.

Dillon is about the same age as they both were, and the temptation was too much for him as well. He saw a TracFone cell lying around and decided he needed it. Nate saw it and made him return it right away, but still the feeling resides–are we failing as parents?

This world has changed so much since I was in high school in 2000. Cell phones were around then, and I had one, but the only game it had on it was Snake. There was no apps to download, no sexting…

I wonder how we keep our kids from making mistakes that could have a ripple effect on the rest of their lives. Discipline–are we too lenient? Too strict? Spanking doesn’t really work with Dillon, and I believe he’s too old for that anyway. How do we get him to understand with every action, good and bad, comes consequences?

Being a parent is scary–the responsibility to we have to God, our families, and society is huge.

I initially made this background last weekend. I didn’t know quite where I was going with it at the time. Then a few days later Dillon and I went to a BBQ and he was exhausted from a weekend of too much and had an epic meltdown. We came home and I had a little meltdown of my own. I reached out to a mom’s Facebook group and was met with reassurance and advice from women who have been there.

Then I knew exactly what I wanted to do with this piece–that would be named ‘A Mother’s Heart’. I wanted it to be a little shabby, a touch beat up, but a color palette of hope. My process video is on YouTube here, showing how I made it. I originally had glued black beaded lace but decided I didn’t like it…it didn’t quite flow, so I tore it off. The hot glue made some of the canvas peel up, and I could have covered it up, but I loved the effect it gave. The strips of paper are actually tea bags that I rinsed off and dried. The cardboard from the heart came from a package that I received (it was the backing).

The video is sped up 20x and is a little shaky at times…sorry!

My Stencil Art Portfolio

Here is a collection of my art work using stencils from The Crafter’s Workshop (TCW), Tim Holtz, Heidi Swapp, etc.

This was one of my first mixed media experiments. I made this for my brother who was living with us and going through a rough time. We both love Journey and the ‘This End Up” sticker was a joke. The white is modeling paste through stencils. For the canvas, I used the top of a pizza box, sprayed it with water, and ripped away some of the paper to get a grungy look. I used ink sprays for the background color.

I made this one for my other brother who served in the Army Infantry and had just come home from a grueling Iraq deployment. He had survivor’s guilt and my heart hurt for him. He finds strength through his music. I wanted to tell him I was here for him and that I loved him but I didn’t know the right words…

These first few are really emotionally heavy!! I first started art journaling as a way of dealing with my emotions, before I started drinking heavily. My best work back then was the work that I did when I didn’t think and just created what I was feeling inside. I promise I will lighten up after these!

This page I did after trying to have baby number 2 for over a year and then having a miscarriage. This was one of my darker times, and even though I hadn’t gone to church or had a real close relationship to God in over 11 years, I turned to Him then. The tabs read, “Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”

Looking back now, God had a plan all along. We were in the middle of a stressful time–I was emotionally and mentally worn down from working long hours as an ER nurse and we were in the middle of trying to sell our house and buy a new one–a stressful time since it was our dream home and we had to scrape to come up with 10%. But by His grace we made it and a month after we moved in, I was pregnant with Logan.

This is a playful one–the pink word is glitter glue and reads ‘meraki’ which is supposed to mean to ‘do something with soul, creativity, or love, to put something of yourself into your work’. The white is modeling paste and TCW stencils, and I believe the flowers are too.

This one is an unfinished project. Sometimes I create a background and leave it, only to find it years later and it’s the perfect timing to finish it. This was made with Faber Castell’s Gelatos and Tim Holtz’s stencils and tissue paper.

This is another work in progress. I created the face and hair out of Sennelier oil pastels, various mediums for the background, and the words are tissue paper! The body is one of my favorite stencils by The Crafter’s Workshop…it reads ‘Art is just another way of expressing our innermost thoughts into concrete media. Where form and function come together in beauty, color and shape. We put our feelings and experiences onto paper canvas, surfaces of all kinds. Allowing ourselves to release and surrender to this all encompassing force. This need to register what was today what might be tomorrow. And what was yesterday and the day before that.”

It is the perfect stencil to add texture and I need to buy a new one!!

One of my recent creations for my Skillshare class/video tutorial. I love this page so much because I had no plan really for the right side of the page after I finished the left side. So I put it down, went upstairs and spent time with my family, then went downstairs, prayed, put on worship music, and this just came out. Intro to Mixed Media Art Journaling Skillshare Class

This was my most recent creation. I love how the colors evolved and started to remind me of unicorns. All of my life I’ve strived to be a ‘good’ girl, a ‘nice’ girl, to not make waves and try to make everyone happy and make everyone like me. But that’s not possible, and I’m done wasting my energy worrying about it 🙂 I was really fired up after reading some of A.W. Tozer’s writings when I created this, if you couldn’t tell from my Instagram post below!

I added my sister, Ronda, because this is what I needed to hear when I was a teenager, feeling so self-conscious and awkward.

Why do we try to conform to fit in? We hide away the best parts of ourselves so we don’t stand out and tell ourselves it’s wrong to desire what we truly yearn for. We settle for a so-so life because it’s “safe” and believe that’s how we’re meant to live. I don’t want my generation to be “nice”. I want my generation to be passionate about whatever means something to them!!

“Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will.” -A.W. Tozer





#motivation #awtozer #hope #desire #life #lifequotes

Disowned Desire

One of my favorite questions to ask people is what they would do with their days if money wasn’t an issue. If you woke up tomorrow and didn’t have to worry about paying for anything and knew your basic needs (food, shelter, etc) would be met, how would you spend your days for the rest of your life?

I truly believe that’s whatever you say is your passion, and God made it your passion, your desire, for a reason.

It took me until I was in my 20’s to realize how truly good I felt inside when I was creating art. I knew I loved my art classes in middle and high school, that I was good at yearbook, but instead of pursuing these, I let my rational brain convince me that was a terrible idea–that there is no way I could make a living doing either of these, no matter how much I loved them. So I went to nursing school instead.

I love spending time with patients, but in my heart of hearts I know nursing isn’t my calling, and that’s okay. I think everything happens for a reason, and I would love to be able to use my nursing skills someday on mission trips. For now, I know I’m where I’m supposed to be, in a job with an amazing supervisor and co-workers who see and value me as a person, and not just a warm body.

Going into the summer, I added up how much of my paycheck would be going to pay for daycare for Dillon & Logan. I looked at my house, the stress of the daily 2 hour long morning rush to get to work, followed by an hour rush to get home to help Nate get dinner on the table, followed by getting the boys to bed, to maybe get an hour to relax before bed.

But I didn’t see any other way. This was my duty as a wife, and mom. Being ill recently gave me time at home with my boys, and made me realize this is where I belong. I adore our daycare provider, but *I want to be the one to raise my boys*. So why was I jeopardizing my mental health to pay someone else to raise my boys when I want to?

So I added up how many of my hours were going to daycare, I sat down with Nate and told him my thoughts. Wanting to be able to take care of my boys, to be able to do more to keep our house in order instead of trying to do it all on the weekends, to help my mental health by not having to race here and there to get to work every day.

It’s scary, the idea of dropping my hours, but once Nate gave me the okay, I knew it’s the right step. I talked to my boss, praying everything would work out. It was a win win for both of us. My hospital is being proactive with the concern over Medicaid budget cuts, and looking to trim their expenses as much as possible. By going from 40 hours a week to 24 hours a week, it helps my supervisor trim her budget to make them happy, and it lets me be home with my boys by working three afternoons a week, Monday through Friday, based on when our Medicare reports are due.

I’ve been asking everyone what they would do if they didn’t have to worry about money. But what would I do?

I would keep up these hours, working as an RN, because I love the idea of doing mission trips when the boys aren’t so little, and being a nurse is an added bonus.

I would spend time with my boys, enjoying and capturing the little moments that make up life–the lazy summer evenings, the morning giggles, and trying to catch all the firsts while keeping in mind I never know when their last time doing such and such will be…the last time I pick Dillon up in my arms, the last time Logan sleeps in his crib, the last time I change Logan’s diaper (that one I won’t mind so much!).

I would keep getting up early to see the sunrise over the Highwoods and spending my quiet time with God to start my day.

I want to plant more flowers–to have a greenhouse to grow vegetables without worrying about the crazy Montana wind, and to plant a shelter belt with lilacs and honeysuckle. With bird houses and sunflowers everywhere.

Nate graciously let Dillon and I have one of the downstairs bedrooms as our craft room. I would create art to my heart’s content, while learning how to create art on the iPad as well. I would keep filming and sharing my process with others, because I love watching other peoples’ videos and learning from them.

I’m getting there. After reading an article about wasting your life living for Fridays and thinking about it, I realized I agree. I don’t believe God wants us to live a mediocre, unfulfilling life to just get by. I think there’ s a reason we have a desire to do certain things, and when we ignore those desires, we start looking for ways to numb that feeling of discontentment. For me it was drinking wine and zoning out playing Candy Crush. But when I’m on my death bed looking back on my life, the thought of wasting all this time in this way is terrible!

Society ingrains in us that we need to be ‘good’ and ‘nice’ and do whatever we can to fit in. But when I think about it, I don’t want to be thought of as ‘nice’. How boring! I want to be known as being passionate about my faith, about people, about my art. Why are we doing things we don’t really want to because that’s what we think society wants us to do?

John Eldredge writes in his book, Desire,

Christianity has come to the point where we believe that there is no higher aspiration for the human soul than to be nice. We are producing a generation of men and women whose greatest virtue is that they don’t offend anyone. Then we wonder why there is not more passion for Christ. How can we hunger and thirst after righteousness if we have ceased hungering and thirsting altogether? As C.S. Lewis said, “We castrate the gelding and bid him be fruitful.”

Wow. He continues,

“Duty reduces the dance [of desire] to a drill. It’s as if you showed up with a bouquet of flowers for your anniversary. Your wife is delighted, but then you say, “Think nothing of it, my dear. It’s my obligation.” … A woman doesn’t want to be an object of duty, she wants to be desired, and so does God!

To be Christian isn’t about being ‘nice’. It’s about desiring God so badly you can’t stand it, and what’s beautiful is He promises us if we draw near to Him He will be right there. He wants us to desire Him…after all, isn’t this why He created us to begin with? And what better way to bless us than by giving us a desire to pursue the very gifts He gave us to begin with?

Faith like a Child

I catch myself coming to this quiet time thinking, “Okay, God, what are You going to give me?” like a young child asking for a toy when his parents take him to the store to get food.

It makes me think of a recent sermon at church about worship. It’s not about me, and “the feels”. It’s about Him, and remembering everything He has done and being grateful for His love. I am so blessed, yet it’s so easy to be greedy and demand more, forgetting everything He’s already done.

My Skillshare class is so close to being done. I’ve poured so many hours into film editing, something I’ve never done but finally am figuring out after trying 3 different programs. Nate and Dillon gently let me know I needed to put the computer away and spend some time with my family.

I put away my laptop and went outside. It was the perfect temperature, and rare for us, barely a breeze.

After Nate made me a typical of Nate, perfectly roasted s’more, Dillon and I drew on the water cistern covers with charcoal. The horses were loving on Dillon after they were watered. Even Foxy, the skittish mare, was feeling friendly.

The evening turned darker as heavy cumulus clouds rolled in…rain was coming. Dillon was fading fast and asked me to hold him. He’s getting much too big for this but I picked him up anyway (trying not to think that this might be the last time I pick him up and hold him like this) and he wrapped his arms and legs around me. I spotted the first star and after reciting, “Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight…” I told Dillon to make a wish.

He looked up and sleepily said, “I wish I could sleep with the horses, and the cows, and God.”

So instead of coming to my quiet time with God asking for a toy, I’m coming with the faith and thankfulness of my sweet boy.

Uncertainty & Worry

God knows how much I like to know ‘the plan’–uncertainty scares me and leaves me feeling vulnerable. Yet He is the one thing that will never change. I need to not lean on my own understanding and turn to Him. My devotional led me to Revelation 22:8-9 in my Bible. I love the notes that explain the verses.

It seems perfect timing–a little backstory–It’s 5:30 AM, Logan and Nate are still sleeping, Dillon is lying on the bed, getting over a head cold and watching his iPad, and we’re in our new ‘art room’ downstairs. The $20 desk we found on Facebook is perfect for him to sit next to me and create his art too. It’s turned in a space to keep my art & crafts without them taking over the house, and a space we can retreat to and not worry about having to be too quiet like we did upstairs. Nate takes one look at the ‘clutter’ and shakes his head, but I see organized chaos, a happy place, my heaven on earth.

This morning is the first time I’ve come down here to do my devotional, instead of sitting upstairs on the couch. It only seems fitting, perfect timing, that I would find this footnote in my Bible for Revelation 22:8,9:

“The first of the Ten Commandments is “You shall have no other gods before me”. Jesus said that the greatest command of Moses’ laws was “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind”. Here at the end of the Bible, this truth is reiterated. The angel instructs John to worship God, and worship is a major emphasis in Revelation. The first step toward meaningful worship is a desire to know God. If we thirst for him, the Bible promises that he will provide for us and satisfy our needs. Would you like your worship to be completely transformed? Confess any sins that might be hindering your fellowship with God. Then ask God to stir your heart, to instill within you and unquenchable thirst to know him. Meditate upon how God has revealed himself in the Bible, and ask him to reveal himself to you again. When you see God in a new way, worship will be your only fitting response.”

It seems like there are times when I can hear Him whispering clearly, and other times He feels so painfully distant I can’t hardly try to call out.

But this footnote gives me black and white instructions on how to approach Him as I do my daily devotions:

1) He promises that if I thirst for Him, He will provide for me and give me what I need. It might not be what I had in mind, but He has never broken a promise and I can only see a pixel of the great billboard He has planned.

2) Confess anything that might keep me from hearing God and ask for forgiveness. I can always tell if it’s sin because it makes me uncomfortable thinking about it–like this morning I know I’ve been letting my pride and ego get in the way of putting together this Skillshare class, looking to Instagram for approval. I need to be humble, and trust everything will work out the way it should. Like my mom said, if people like it, they will find a way to get it without me beating down their door.

3) Ask God to stir my heart, to instill an unquenchable thirst to know Him. It’s so easy to look to other things to try to fill that “God hole” in my heart but nothing can, at least for very long. This has been a painful, eye-opening, breath-taking experience turning away from alcohol, seeing an art therapist, confessing to my family, friends, co-workers, feeling the highs and lows without self-medicating. The lows are painful and uncomfortable, but they make the highs so much sweeter. And when I’m feeling that itch to get away from it all, to self-medicate, to do something when I’m feeling down, I’m realizing it’s God calling me, telling me it’s time to get away for a little bit and recharge.

4) Meditate on how He has revealed Himself in the Bible, and ask Him to reveal Himself to me again. This one is a little harder for me to decipher. I guess what comes to mind is reading a Bible verse about God taking care of birds who don’t worry about anything and promising to take even better care of me–then seeing sparrows, swallows, hawks and robins throughout the day and feeling reassured by His promise. The gentle tugs, the little things that catch my eye when I think I should be reading something else, those are the things I’m realizing I need to pay attention to…those are the moments when I find Him the closest.

5) “When you see Me in a new way, worship will be your only fitting response…”

As I finished up this post I refilled my coffee and let Teddy out. As I waited for him I looked at the horizon. I loved the way the clouds are wispy so I snapped a picture just as two birds flew in the frame. God is good…